How to be respected at work.
Sick of being a doormat? Learn how to stop being trampled on.
For a long time I wondered if I was cursed to spend an eternity in low-paid work. Why was a promotion so elusive?
I blamed my endometriosis. I blamed my personality. I blamed my upbringing. Yes, I’ll be the first to admit that I did not have an accountable bone in my body for a long while.
But seriously, what was going on?!
Maya wondered the same thing. We both have endometriosis and I relate to her so much. She was tired of low-paid work, feeling undervalued, being overworked and overlooked for promotions. She wanted to break the cycle so this is what she began experimenting with.
Check in with yourself first.
Maya had been brought up to be dutiful and consider others before herself. She loved being generous with her time. She liked feeling useful. However, she was also exhausted all the time from fatigue and heavy bleeding.
She wanted more pay, a promotion and respect. She was working so hard so what was going on? She couldn’t see it for a while but her sense of duty and generosity was inadvertently costing her her peace in the workplace. Her eagerness to people-please was getting in the way!
Furthermore, every time Maya started a new job, she announced she was ‘happy to help’ so her new colleagues did not hesitate to ask her.
At the start she felt honoured to be asked to support but over time, she realised she earned the position of office doormat. She alone had attracted being trampled on and felt disrespected, over and over again.
Now she knew what she had done, she decided to undo it.
When she was presented with a new task, she asked herself whether it would overload her and whether it would lead to distress. If the answer was “Yes” to either, that was her signal to act.
Just considering not doing something for someone else felt awkward and uncomfortable, but Maya was so brave to check in with herself first. She was then empowered to take the next step with confidence.
Express your limit with kindess and hold your ground!
I know firsthand how hard this is, being a recovering people-pleaser myself. In the beginning I would cave after feeling guilt wash over me, or I would have my arm twisted by persuasive personalities.
Maya experienced the same wobbly start but she had to start somewhere!
She vulnerably expressed to anybody who gave her a task she couldn’t do, that…she couldn’t do it. Simple. She didn’t need to explain or give a dozen excuses. She just kindly stood her ground and shared that she couldn’t support on that occasion.
Surprisingly, most colleagues didn’t give her any heat. They just moved on to ask someone else or did the task themselves.
On the occasion her manager asked why she couldn’t support, Maya remembered that check-in with herself. Because this situation warranted an explanation, she shared that her capacity was stretched and taking on another task would cause her great distress. Maya didn’t blame or criticise anyone in her explanation - she just made it about her.
Most importantly, she didn’t cave after getting any pushback. It was hard to observe her manager get frustrated and give her heat, but Maya unwittingly attracted respect in her action of following through with her limit.
Maya’s repeated choice of self-honouring and self-respect spoke volumes. It became crystal clear to everyone in her company that she was no longer the doormat.
When speaking, choose praise over criticism.
Endometriosis and adenomyosis had left Maya feeling exhausted and she was often physically and mentally depleted. When she found herself in this state, and like me, it was easy to spot everything that was wrong with the people she worked with.
Her boss was a stickler for rules, her desk buddy was too talkative, and the engineer fitting the blinds in the office had terrible body odour. Maya found herself fixating on these problems and it showed. She was scowling and would express how she felt to anyone who would listen.
She was unaware that over time, her habit of criticising eroded other’s respect for her. When Maya was made aware of this blindspot, she felt ashamed of her behaviour.
Maya could look back at how in her previous roles, her frequent criticism was a likely factor to being passed over for promotion and obtaining new contracts.
After eating a slice of humble pie, she shifted her focus to praising. Her boss kept the office stocked with delicious treats, her desk buddy invited her to comedy nights, and the engineer always greeted her with a brilliant smile.
Maya began keeping her mouth shut whenever she felt the urge to criticise. Instead, she vocalised, to anyone who would listen, her love of the spiced nuts in the office pantry, her joy seeing up and coming comedians, and she personally thanked the engineer on his last day in the office for his warmth.
This switch to praise made Maya’s colleagues see her in a completely new light. She was considered a positive force and was soon promoted on account of being nicer to work with.
The happy outcome?
Now, Maya wouldn’t have things any other way. People-pleasing is long in the past and her body thanks her for it. She finds herself less exhausted, more at peace and experiencing fewer flare-ups!
Maya still gets to be generous and dutiful when it suits her but she doesn’t sacrifice her wellbeing for others. Nor does she indulge in moaning about everything that’s wrong. She loves this new side to her, and so does everyone else!
That last promotion she got? That was the launchpad for her moving to a new company that pays her far more than she’s ever earned and she’s become a well known and respected leader in her field.
