How to get doctors to listen.
Ever felt like you weren't taken seriously? Here's how to change that.
“I just want them to listen!” is one the most common exasperated cries I hear from women who have felt dismissed at the doctors. It seems to be a universal phenomenon.
It’s enough to put you off going to the doctor ever again, even though they’re likely the only ones that can help. I know, because I’ve been through this frustrating cycle many times. Patience has too. She finally got the doctors to listen to her, and eventually received the healthcare she needed to get walking again after a foot injury!
This is what she did.
Check your expectations.
Patience was used to feeling unheard, that is, she felt like her doctors weren’t listening to her. During one of her first coaching sessions she realised that what she actually meant was that the doctors weren’t giving her what she was asking for.
That was her biggest blindspot and the revelation blew her mind.
Now, she knew the difference. Being heard means someone listens to your voice and observes non-verbal communication like your body language, nothing more. Wanting something and not being given it can be disappointing, but it doesn’t mean the request went unheard.
It turns out she was being heard all along. What was missing was getting the treatment she wanted that was appropriate for her.
Get comfortable being vulnerable.
Patience didn’t like to cry in public and nor did she want to seem weak. However, her mental health plummeted after she sustained her long term foot injury while out hiking.
The injury was costing her her fitness, her regular social time with her hiking group, and her relationship with her husband of 5 years. She became mean and resentful towards him because her lifestyle had been upended. He began threatening divorce, which only made her feel worse.
What was clear was that deep under her resentment was pain, and under that pain was sadness. She was grieving what she was missing and she desperately wanted to get back to her happy active self.
One Sunday morning at home she let her tears pour out, which her husband witnessed. It brought them closer together because he saw how much her foot injury was taking away her spirit.
Patience embraced this superpower of vulnerability and brought it to her doctor. It felt uncomfortable at first but she expressed how her injury was impacting her mood, her relationship at home and her ability to do the things she loved.
Her doctor was extremely empathetic and took the time to listen and truly hear her. Her tears and soft vulnerability were welcome. It was then that she realised it’s a strength to be open, not a weakness.
Express clearly what you want, not what you don't.
Patience was brilliant at knowing what she wanted, or so she thought. She didn’t want to go back to physio because it wasn’t helping her. She didn’t want more painkillers because they had nasty side effects. She didn’t want steroid injections.
Turns out she was brilliant at eliminating options! To any listeners, this was entirely unhelpful. In fact, it just sounded like complaining and left anyone trying to help her a bit confused and worn out. She saw this approach wasn’t working.
Before she went for her appointment, she instead recalled all the options that had previously been presented to her.
Patience was ready to admit that she actually wanted surgery. It felt scary to even entertain, let alone think about expressing, especially because her request might be rejected.
She did it anyway.
Once again, she was heard by her doctor because she identified and expressed exactly what she wanted.
Be a great listener yourself.
Thankfully, this was one of Patience’s secret weapons. She already had this incredible skill of listening respectfully, giving her audience the floor.
When the doctor responded to her grief and her desire for surgery, Patience simply listened. She didn’t butt in, nor argue, nor defend. She heard all the options, risks, next steps and then she was prompted to share her thoughts.
Now she was in a respectful partnership with her doctor, each giving space for the other to share. There was listening happening all around.
In this exchange, Patience had been presented with extra information and she wasn’t entirely sure she wanted to proceed with the surgery. She said she would consider it and her doctor stated they were ready to refer her if she chose to go ahead.
Thank your doctor.
Patience remembered that she had been (shockingly) seen on time and due to her tears and time spent expressing the impact of her injury, the doctor had spared more time with her than scheduled. That’s two things she expressed gratitude for.
She followed by giving thanks for listening, for giving her the surgery information, the referral option and time to reflect before she made a decision.
The doctor soaked it all up and was beaming! Patience no doubt made their day by expressing so much gratitude. Doctors are people at the end of the day and they’d much rather see and treat patients who treat them well.
The happy outcome?
Patience eventually went on to have the surgery. She was admittedly terrified but she had exhausted all other options and it was the best fit for her. She’s now walking and getting back to longer hikes with her hiking group, and her relationship with her husband is better than ever!
Best of all, Patience is no longer afraid of going to the doctors. She knows exactly what to do to be heard and her doctor can’t wait to see her, knowing they’ll get showered with gratitude when she comes.
